Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
