i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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