she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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