he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
