You're my little dorito
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
