we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
