the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
