mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
