drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
