I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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