literally had 100 drinks last night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
