Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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