DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
