Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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