i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
