mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
