if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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