you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
