I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
