I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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