i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
