1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Can you repeat that, but with context?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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