Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
