I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
