I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
