So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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