these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
