i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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