I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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