Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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