The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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