it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
