you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
