Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize
