Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
