if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
