Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
