Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
be right there i have to get my cape
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
