Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
