My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
