Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
