Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
