I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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