That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
