This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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