Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
