Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
