Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
