I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
