I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
