My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
