You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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