I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
